Saturday, April 02, 2005

I wouldn't live the last year over again for the world. And that's a good thing, because it's a sign that I feel I've grown.

However, the one thing I do miss about this time last year is the anticipation of new possibilities that seemed to be springing up everywhere... Now, it seems that new possibilities prefer to shatter like sugar glass before my eyes.

Last year, I was almost hopelessly boxed in by a few small ideas. Contrary to the mistrust that I thought I embodied at the time, I whole-heartedly believed in façades that I am now slightly more able to see through. I was much more naïve, much more easily duped--by a belief in the infallibility of others, by the idea that hideous and painful mistakes were not as easily made as I now know them to be. By a powerful and misplaced confidence in society as a whole. By a blind desire to achieve lofty ideals of love and peace and happiness.

I still cherish those ideals, but less blindly.

And for that, I am truly thankful.

I hope that all of my fellow Bloggers have taken lessons from their pain, their errors, their trials in the past year, and have been able to convert that past evil into present and future good.


Greg said...

What's "sugar glass"?

An acceptance of the fallibility of the world is probably healthy. However, don't give up on optimism, because hope seems to make this existence... better than bearable. Now, unbridled optimism will just set you up for failure and oppress you more, so don't do that either. Take the middle path of tempered optimism and enjoy the beautiful day.

But I don't know anything.

Diana said...

Sugar glass is this. It's stunt glass. It's cool.

I try to keep myself balanced--the middle path you and Buddhists speak of--but sometimes it seems as though I am continually having to break myself back under my own thumb, having to pull myself back, having to stop what I'm doing and examine it to death. Ultimately, it's the only way to do things. I just wish I didn't have to feel like I'm constantly beating myself into submission.

ralikat said...

I have to completely agree with this post. Last year was probably the worst year of my life, but I learned the greatest lessons from it. I just have to keep myself from making them again - atually internalizing all that I did learn - and I will be a much better person for it all, I'm sure.

Diana said...

Woah. I just have to say that the first few times I read your comment, RK, I was completely reading "disagree" where you said "agree". I was so confused, and kept reading it over and over, and STILL kept reading "disagree". That was so creepy. Don't do that again!! ;)

Greg said...

I don't really understand "good years" or "bad years". I'm glad you're a different person than last year. I'm also glad that you realize your changes. However, I'm puzzled over the dislike over the past year. How can you have any real opinion? It's your life, you live it.

Personally, 1998 could easily be described as the worst year of my life, but, assuming no déjà vu, I'd relive it in an instant. It's a part of me. It defines me and I can't change that. Life was not fun, but it explains much of who I am today.

So, I guess I'm saying it's fine to not want to relive bad experiences, but don't ignore them. Don't try to rip that year out of you and bury in the yard. You'll only have a gaping, bloody hole in yourself.

Diana said...

I most certainly do not want to relive my past experiences--the good or the bad. What would be the point? It would not be constructive--I've already learned those lessons as well as I'm going to.

But no, I obviously cannot ignore them, as they ARE a part of me, as you said. Which is why in my last paragraph of that post, I wished others to do the same as I have attempted to do with the past.

In any case, I was specifically referencing this time last year, which was a time that changed a lot about who I am today. I'm not sure that those have all been good changes, or that they have all been bad--some of each, I expect. What began at this time last year is something that I most certainly would not have chosen to go through, but since it all happened, it happened, and I'm left to make the best of it, as we all are.

In the words of Garth Brooks, "And I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain, but I'da had to miss the dance."

(Take from that what you will, and try not to argue over the "chance" bit, whether you agree with it or not. That wasn't the point.) ;)